I live by the three-second rule. If food (preferably dry food) falls on the floor, I have three seconds to pick it up, dust it off, and eat it.

I dropped a potato chip on the floor next to my desk. I picked it up, blew off the cooties that latched on to it from touching the floor, and ate it. About 30 seconds later, my cube mate turns around and says, “Sorry about the smell.” I’m confused. “What smell?” I ask.

“I stepped in dog shit this morning and had no idea it was all over the bottom of my shoes, and now there’s some on the carpet, too.”

Gag.