I did two things today that made me feel like a bathroom newb.

1. I threw my keys on the toiler paper dispenser in haste before I was about to handle my business, and it slid off and almost flew into the toilet.

2. I had to take a dump, but I knew it would be a quickie so I hovered over the seat instead of putting down a toilet seat protector. Note to self: no matter how fast you think you’ll poop, always use a seat protector. Thighs tire and weaken easily, and poop back splashes are ten times more violent. Toilet water on butt cheeks is not fun.