When I’m about to drop a phat turd, I get splash anxiety. I know from past experiences (and common sense) that when I shit a brick, it’ll fall hard and toilet water will splash all over my cheeks. When I’m dumping in a public restroom, I will line the top of the water with toilet paper to ease the surface impact. However, that does not account for the second and third turd that falls out of my butt shortly after. As soon as I hear them hit the water, my butt cheeks retract, my body tenses up, and I’ll feel a squirt of water on my lower thighs. It takes me a second to realize that my lower thighs are not in the splash zone, and the squirt I feel is a phantom splash. I get so stressed about these splashings that I actually feel them happening when they don’t. Just to be sure, I’ll wipe the area where I thought I got hit, and the toilet paper will reveal nothing but dryness. I guess I should relax a little while I’m on the toilet. However that’s hard to do when you’re sitting on a toilet a thousand other people have used.