I Win

All my constipation and pooping problems have been solved by one thing: water. I’ve increased my water intake and now I have normal bowel movements, my poops slide out my butt smoothly, and I have no more ripped bunghole syndrome. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Because an increase in water consumption means I’d have to pee more often, and I have a phobia of public bathrooms (or anything covered in dried urine and fecal matter). I still fear the public toilet, but the joy of dropping a giant deuce without force or risk of popping a forehead vein is greater than the anxiety I get over a crusty toilet. It’s like my bunghole is a slip’n slide, and the kids glide right out into the yellow pool. Fun all around.

You lose, constipation!

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