Poots and Toots

Oops I did it again

pooter — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:48:23 +0000

I should really learn to poop before I go on my run. I had turtle head for three miles not too long ago. I decided against running six miles just to alleviate the strain on my bunghole. Only smart thing I’ve done so far today.

Lemme out

Terrific Tuesday

pooter — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:40:07 +0000

Looks like I am back to my normal pooping schedule thanks to my magical celery. I made a nice one this morning in the pot. But why was I constipated in the first place? I think it had to do with all the candy I was eating the past few days. Normal people get stomach aches and diarrhea from eating too much candy. Not me. I get clogged up and bloated. Now I know to follow my candy binge with a stalk of celery. Sounds nasty, but it’s worth the poop!

Evil!

Super Duper Celery

pooter — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 22:19:06 +0000

Holy crap. The celery from lunch is still working. I just took my second silky dump of the day thanks to my fibrous friend. When I looked down into the bowl, I even saw celery fibers sticking out of the smooth log. It was a disgusting yet beautiful site. Thank you, celery!

My new best friend

Super Celery

pooter — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 20:10:37 +0000

I have been constipated for the past week. I was able to poop little pebbles a couple of those days, but overall, my butt has been plugged up. I was feeling so bottom heavy from all the poo that needed to be released, so I ate some celery for lunch. A lot of celery. Three big stalks of celery. While I am really sick of celery and just thinking about it makes me want to barf, it is the magic colon cleanser. About 30 minutes after I finished my bland lunch, I pooped everything out. It just slid out like fast flowing silk. No painful hard melon-sized constipated poop. Soft brown silk poop. So magical, that celery.

Poopy so silky smooth

Over-the-Hump Wednesday

pooter — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:11:57 +0000

The turtle decided to pop it’s head out again. This time I was able to push it all out. It took a bit of effort because it was a ginormous turtle head. It must have bit me as it came out ’cause I saw a small amount of hemoglobin on the toilet paper… ie- blood. Yes, TMI.

Hemoglobin galore!

Terrible Tuesday

pooter — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 00:26:35 +0000

I ran six miles, and I had to poo the entire time. Yep. Monster turtle head. Somehow towards the end of my sixth mile, the turtle retracted it’s head. So when I went to poo immediately after my run (I usually like to wait ’til I dry the sweat off because I hate pulling down sticky sweaty underwear), I wasn’t able to push anything out.

1) I had a crappy run.
2) My butt is fatigued from flexing it for six miles. (eww, sounds dirty)
3) I had sweaty underwear around my sweaty legs.
4) My sweaty butt stuck to the toilet seat. (double eww)
5) I didn’t poo.
6) .

Aahhahah! You can't catch me!

:-/

pooter — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:24:14 +0000

I am a gassy person. I love to fart, and I love to burp. However, I’m very conscious when I fart (ie- I hold it in when I’m in public.. at least most of the time). But when it comes to burps, I let it out without thinking about the consequences (ie- It’s kind of rude. And gross). I’ll keep my mouth closed when I burp in public (to keep the noise level down and the smell to a minimum), but that usually doesn’t work because the air that comes up through my throat is almost always thunderous and manly and often garlicky. I grew up with brothers, so I’ve had many years perfecting my burps to be monstrous and with a lot of vibrating base. My early years were full of forced, upchuck-type of burps. But because I’ve lived with that for so long, it comes natural and without a thought. It’s all fun when I’m around my friends and I want to gross them out, but when I’m at lunch with my coworkers and I drink my soda a little too fast, I forget that I’m sitting across my boss when I burp a Hail Mary at his face.

I'mSorryIDidn'tMeanToBurpInYourFace!!

Poopoo dance

pooter — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 23:14:56 +0000

I hate doing the poopoo dance. It’s very much like the peepee dance, except instead of holding in an exploding bladder, I’m holding in an exploding anus. An exploding anus of exploding diarrhea. I was at the convenience store taking my time looking at snacks. Then all of a sudden, I started to feel a little punch in my belly and a bit queasy in my head… and then there was a powerful surge of mud trying to break through my butt. I was carrying my snacks and waiting in line to pay for them when this happened. What to do? Drop everything and run to the dirty bathroom? Or pay for my stuff and run to the dirty bathroom? Well, I was already in line, so I waited and did my hold-in-my-poopoo-dance. I had to use all my strength to keep my butt shut. I didn’t know if any gas had seeped out, I was too dizzy and sweaty to notice if the aura around me stunk. Had I waited one second too long, my underwear would have ended up brown and heavy (and chunky). But dang, them snacks were good eatin’ afterwards!

mmm, snacks!

Turd Burglar

pooter — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:42:25 +0000

Hamburgers are one of my favorite foods. I ate one yesterday. It was delicious, and everything was fine until 7 hours later my intestines started twisting and bubbling and I had explosive diarrhea at the exact same time my favorite show was about to start. I pushed it out and wiped asap so I wouldn’t have to miss too much of the show’s beginning, but I still missed the first 30 seconds. I am never eating a burger again… at least not for another week.

Yesterday's burger beat the crap out of me.

Good morning!

pooter — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:53:12 +0000

I guess something really was plugged up my butt when I couldn’t poop for those days. Now that I’m unclogged, I’m back to my normal pooping schedule. I dropped my usual deuce this morning… it’s such a great way to start the day.

My favorite way to start a day: Morning dump, then breakfast.