Oh, happy day. I pooped! And yes, it was triple times the mega-poop I usually poop. But no clogged toilets thanks to industrial strength flushes here at the office. The poop came out just as I imagined, fast and with a purpose. It wanted to get the hell out of my colon after spending 3+ days in there. I sat, I shat, I wiped.. all within 45 seconds. You could say my butt performed an exorcism.
I kept this image small 'cause it kinda freaks me out
I am very sad. I have not pooped in days. Even with yesterday’s alien gas baby incident, I did not end up pooping. It has been three days now. THREE DAYS! That’s craziness for a mega-pooper like me. I can’t wait until whatever’s plugged up in there loosens. When the floodgates open, my butt will be releasing triple the amount of mega-poop. I hope I don’t clog the toilet.
Release the Kraken!
I forgot about my new sensitivity to lactose-laden foods and garnished my spaghetti with ungodly amounts of goat cheese for lunch today. This was right before a two hour meeting I had with a client. During the meeting, my stomach started to form explosive gas bubbles. They proceeded to pop internally, which really just sounded like a muffled fart. Actually, it wasn’t that muffled at all.. the gas was so intense it sounded like I really farted. They weren’t exactly normal fart sounds either. The popping gas sounded like I had food poisoning and an alien baby was about to rip through my stomach and hadouken the person next to me. Fortunately, those in the meeting were mature enough to just ignore my bodily functions and sound effects (at least while they were in the room). If it were me meeting with gassy-version-of-me, I would have started to giggle and point.
Lactose-induced gas really hurts.
*the sounds the alien gas baby was making inside me
I was talking to a friend about how much toilet paper we each use after a dump. I told him I try to conserve as much toilet paper as I can, usually folding my sheets two to three times before I’m completely clean and throwing it into the toilet bowl. He told he me did the same, finishing his wipes after the toilet paper only has small traces of poo on it before pulling up his pants. Ahem, excuse me? You don’t wipe until there are NO traces of poo on your toilet paper? That’s disgusting! No wonder he complains of skid marks on his underwear!!
Incomplete wiping can be hazardous to your underwear.
As I was walking back to my office, I was about to pass someone who was sitting at a computer. He had his leg bent and propped up against himself on his chair. I glanced at him, and he darted his eyes back at me. As soon as I passed him, he farted. It was loud and had some good vibrating base to it. Sounds like he might have just tooted on accident, right? No, he pushed it out just for me.. I could see it in his eyes. I made him fart. I am slightly flattered, but also a little offended. Does the sight of me make people want to pass gas? That’s a little unnerving.
It was kind of like this but with his pants still on.
I’ve been having extraordinary poops lately, and I could not figure out why because my diet has been very ordinary. Then I realized I’m about to get a visit from Aunt Ruby… TMI? (This entire blog is TMI!!) LOL. 
Menstrual Fairy kicking the crap out of me. Literally.
Have you ever farted so loudly in your sleep that you woke yourself up? I am a very light sleeper, so that’s nothing new to me. But a few years ago when I slept over at a friend’s place, I made the biggest, raunchiest, wettest wet bean fart ever. It was so long and loud that I woke up and still had seconds of fart to spare. I thought maybe I was the only one who heard it, but it also woke my friend up and prompted a “that’s f@$king disgusting.” It was sort of awesome.
Beans, Beans, They're Good For Your Heart. The More You Eat, The More You Fart
Sorry for the silence lately. I was on holiday, but I’m back and I’ve learned a new thing about myself. I thought I was afraid to fly because of my fear of heights and plane crashes. But after my last flight, I think I am more afraid of who I’ll sit next to, in front of, or behind. My neighbor was alright.. she had a bit of body odor, but it wasn’t bad when her arms were at her side. However, the guy sitting behind me farted a few times. He must have eaten cabbage soup or rotten eggs for dinner because that’s what it smelled like. How do you not smell your own fart on a plane? I can understand when you can’t smell your own breath, but you can always smell your own fart! On the subject of breath, he also had really bad breath. He was heavy on the exhaling, so it was three hours of inhaling his rancid exhale (in addition to his sulfuric farts). It was a nauseating flight experience, but on the bright side, the plane didn’t crash!
I guess I should be thankful I didn't have to sit next to this
I think I have an unhealthy fear of dirty public bathrooms. I often have reoccurring dreams where I’m not at home and need to pee very badly, so I find a public restroom. They all look about the same in my dreams.. they are dark, dingy, and dirty. In the dozens of bathroom dreams I’ve had, most of them have some sort of deep brown or charcoal tiles, and every stall has a toilet covered in pee. In real life, if a toilet has someone’s urine on it, I choose a different stall or I wipe it and use a seat cover (double seat covers for double protection). In my dreams, every stall has urine on it so picking another one is no use. Also in my dreams, I don’t clean the seats. I think I put toilet paper over the pee on the seat (which creates soaked toilet paper) and then proceed to hover over the toilet, or sometimes I just hover without any sort of buffer between my butt and the pee. But hovering in my dreams always leads to the inevitable.. I end up falling bare-assed on the wet seat, and I can not seem to pick myself off the seat now matter how hard I try (and sometimes the bottom of my shirt or my pants end make contact with the urine). Yuck, just thinking about it is grossing me out. Yeah, this probably means I am really afraid of public restrooms. Now that I think about it, I do drink as little amount of liquids as possible when I’m out so I don’t have to pee. Life would be so much easier if I could pee standing.
Congratulations are in order. I had twins today. Two identical baby boys (or girls, I couldn’t really tell). They looked to be about the same size with similar lumpinesses. The first one came out this morning at 10:35am, weighing 6.7 ounces and measuring 7 glorious inches. Baby number two came out around 2:15pm, weighing 6.1 ounces and measuring just under 7 inches. No, I did not fish out my turds and measure them, I just eye-balled them. As with any mother, I fell in love when I first laid my eyes on my precious babies, but then I said my goodbyes and flushed them down to Never Neverland. They’ll be happier there anyway (’cause growing old and stinky sucks). Mom knows best.
The twins strongly resembled these
