There are a few things about myself that I am extremely proud of: being able to eat the same amount of or more food than most men, deadlifting 200% of my body weight, knowing the lyrics to all 80s songs, and pooping incredibly fast. I feel like I am constipated the majority of my life; there are days that I don’t have a bowel movement, and other times I will feel like I need to poop, but nothing will come out. Those days make me sad. But on the days where I have a legit bowel movement and savor the feeling until it’s go time, my release is immediate. As soon as I sit, it’s out and time to wipe. The turd is already stewing in the toilet before I finish peeing. It takes longer for me to push the soap dispenser than it does for the poop to shoot out my butt. Those poops are the best when using a public restroom. Others waiting to use a stall have no idea I dropped a deuce because poo+airtime is short with no lingering smells, and time spent on the dirty toilet is minimized. Friends or family waiting outside for me don’t have to wait long at all. And when it comes out that fast, there’s less poop to wipe so I’m essentially saving a tree. Fast poops are great for everyone and fun for the whole family!