I had my butt poked and prodded last week voluntarily, and I paid good money for it. No, no you sickos! I had a colonoscopy. The day before my surgery was hell. I had to drink two liters of the most disgusting liquid prep. It tasted like over-sweetened artificial lemon flavor mixed with salty saline solution. I wanted to hurl with each gulp. I started drinking it at work, but I quickly went home after the first eight ounces in case my butt decided to open and spew out some poop soup. About an hour later, I filled my toilet with Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Over the next few hours, the brown turned to yellow and then to almost clear. It was like my anus was peeing, and I had no control of it. All the solids had vanished from my colon, save a couple kernels of corn that would appear in the toilet. Note to self: don’t eat corn two nights before a colonoscopy. Those suckers like to latch on to your intestinal wall.

Anyway, the colonoscopy wasn’t so bad. I was put under so I didn’t feel a thing. I woke up bloated because my colon was pumped with air so the camera could fit inside and take some pretty pictures. No polyps. Hooray! Just some internal hemorrhoids, which I figured I had already .. hence the bloody poops I make every now and then. I guess I didn’t really need a colonoscopy after all. But it was nice knowing my body was completely devoid of shit for at least 12 hours, and I lost five pounds in the process. However I gained it all back as soon as I ate lunch after my surgery.