Cowabunga

Sometimes when I have a bowel movement and I sit on the toilet too early, I end up constipated. It’s kinda weird. I’ll need to poop, but as soon as I try to push anything out, the bowel movement goes away and I have no urge to poop. So yesterday I had a bowel movement while I was watching TV. I wanted to wait until the very last second before I could no longer hold in my turtlehead. I could feel the tip wanting to push out fast, so I knew it was time to sit on the toilet. The turtlehead was about to pop out of the shell as I’m hovering over the toilet trying to pull down my pants when I realize I’m wearing drawstring pants, and they are double knotted at the waist. The motion of trying to pull my pants down makes the knot even tighter, so I’m squatting there trying to undo the knot while using all my strength to keep my butthole shut so I don’t have an underwear full of brown turtles. Damn you, double knot! Why must you be so hard to untie? And why did I cut my nails so short a couple days ago? I manage to get my pants off, and as soon as I sit down the ninja turtles do some flips as they fly out my butt and down the sewer. Spoiled underwear crisis avoided.

Turtleheads

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