My nose is a little stuffed from allergies. I can still slightly breathe through my nostrils, but my sense of smell is poorer than usual today.

As I walked to the office bathroom, two women exited and one said to the other “Ooh, that felt good.” I knew what that meant, and I was afraid. But I was confident my tightly packed boogers would keep me safe. I was wrong; the smell was too pungent. The aroma of diarrhea was strong, and it penetrated the thick layers of crust and mucus in my nostrils. But it got worse the closer I got to the stall. A new smell emerged. It was the stench of juicy poo unsuccessfully masked with an essence of discount perfume. My eyes were watering, and I became light-headed from holding my breath. I pissed the fastest piss I’ve ever pissed in the history of me pissing. In retrospect it might have been wiser to just hold it and wait for the smell to dissipate. Life lessons.