My colon must have gone back into travel mode because I had not pooped for a week. So this morning to trick it, I did the most at-home-relaxation activity I could think of: toilet reading. I grabbed the thickest book I could find and plopped my butt on the toilet and read (flexing my bunghole periodically so I wouldn’t get hemorrhoids). Three long chapters later, I felt a light bowel movement, but my butt flexing wasn’t helping, and the movement went away. My thighs were starting to tingle now, so I took a deep breath and finished the fourth chapter. Finally, a thick, hard log flew out of my butt (there was some rear tearing.. ouch). The turd wasn’t much, but it was the plug that was keeping all the other poop locked inside me. Six hours later (I wasn’t sitting on the toilet for six straight hours), I pooped the rest of the week-old turds out of me along with a gallon of farts. All this waiting and pushing made me feel like I gave birth. I need a nap.