Is it true that all men have machine-gun-sounding poo-sputtering farts every time they poop? It sounds like a gun battle is commencing whenever my boyfriend sits down to take a dump. I sometimes get the fart sputters too, but that only happens when I have diarrhea; the boyfriend’s a-hole shoots out waves of sonic blasts every time whether it’s a normal poo or watery diarrhea poo. And I’ve heard those fart bubbles from other male butts as well. My ex had the same fizzy-butt condition. It made me believe he had daily diarrhea. Then I asked him why the hell his ass belched Montezuma’s revenge every night; turns out his poops just come with an extra side of angry gas. My grandpa also farts Uzis when he poops, but I thought that was because he is old and that’s how old people fart. So I’ve come to the conclusion that all men fart like they are about to shoot liquid poo out their butts every time they sit on the toilet. I think my ear-witness accounts of these activities is substantial evidence that all male butts sputter– all the time, every time.