If you are reading this, you can’t sue me for you vomiting on your computer keyboard or in your lap or anywhere.

I am a squeaky clean person. When I shower, I make sure all my orifices are soaped, scrubbed, and soaked with water. This includes my bunghole. But to really get it clean, I stick the first 3/4 to 1 inch of my finger into my fartbox. If you are gagging right now, I suggest you stop reading. Anyway, I gotta make sure everything in that area is clean including the inside. Since it’s my own butt, I never thought it was that gross. I’d soap up my finger and stick it in (gently) and twirl it a couple times to get it clean, then I’d rinse it out. I told a friend I did this, and he started to convulse in disgust. Whatever. I know I have a clean ass, and he probably has dingleberries all up in his butthole and butthairs. Me: Winner. Him: Loser.

The other day, I was constipated. I felt bottom-heavy, but I get that feeling a lot, so whatevs. I took my shower and did my anal probing without any thought. As soon as my finger went in about 3/4 of an inch, I felt it. The pointed end of my dookie. It was sitting comfortably near the opening of my a-hole, and I touched it with my finger. Barf. What the hell. Why is my poop so close to my exit hole, and why don’t I feel any bowel movements? I re-soaped my finger, this time to wash the turd off. I still did not have a bowel movement for the rest of the day. But I finally pooped the next morning. So after many hours of the turd resting right at my bunghole, it decided to finally emerge. It was a huge one, too. I can’t believe I touched that with my finger. Me: Loser.

PS- Just FYI.. I am not an up-the-butt type of girl. No, Thank you!