Fecal Floaties

As disgusting as I am (read yesterday’s post for reference), I am a huge germaphobe. Walking into a public bathroom makes me feel dirty because you’re basically breathing in dissipated farts. As soon as I pass the threshold from the outside of the bathroom to the entrance, it’s like I’m entering a poopy war zone of microscopic invisible fecal matter floating in the air. If I have any sort of food with me, even if it’s in a to go bag, I can’t bring it with me inside the bathroom. I have to finish it before any of it enters crosses the dookie force field. This also goes with fountain drinks with a straw. The straw is immediately contaminated if it enters the bathroom; I imagine the moisture on the straw magnetically grabbing the millions of poo particles swimming in the air. The only way I can bring any edible perishables into the bathroom is if it’s wrapped, tied in a plastic bag, then placed inside my zipped up backpack and hung on the inside of the stall door. The backpack cannot touch the floor. Even if there is no food inside the bag, the bag can never touch the floor. A public bathroom floor is smeared with thousands of strangers’ danger pee: women oftentimes miss the bowl and urinate on the floor, and then the pee-crusted floor is mopped, and that same mop is mopping the rest of the bathroom, distributing pee to every corner of the restroom. In summary, I am very afraid of public bathrooms and their germs. This coming from a girl who pooped in a bag.

Would it be weird if I wore this into a public bathroom?

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