this blog entry is super embarrassing and it makes me cringe even at myself, but i guess ill post it because nobody reads this blog anyway, right?
i’m known (to myself at least) to take some hard dumps. hard as in i-don’t-drink-enough-water-so-my-poops-are-super-hard kind of hard. they’re basically bricks. yes, they are painful coming out, but ooh it feels like i lost 5lbs when it’s over. bricks are no fun to pass, and they’re even more not-fun to flush because they often don’t flush and clog the toilet. so one day i shat a brick and i clogged the toilet. i was in a hurry to go somewhere, so after my failed attempt at flushing i left the toilet clogged, noting to myself that i’d unclog it when i got home. yeah i know, gross. but i figured if the log stewed in the toilet water long enough, it would soften and slide down the pipes later. this was not the case when i returned home and tried to flush the toilet again. it was still clogged, so i broke out the plunger. i plunged for at least 10 minutes straight- it wouldn’t budge! i even poured a pot of boiling water down the toilet to try to loosen it up. no help. nothing worked so i gave up. there was no visible poo in the bowl, and the toilet still sort of flushed, it was just really slow, so peeing in it was not an issue (i threw the used toilet paper in the trash). i know, gross again. i’m disgusting.
the next day i ate spicy chili for lunch. oops, bad move on my part. when i got home a few hours later i had fiery diarrhea gurgles. no way i was going to fill up my toilet with butt chili while it was clogged! i grabbed a clear plastic produce bag from the kitchen, held it against my butt, sat back down on the toilet, and shat into the bag. the bag felt like it weighed 6lbs when i was done. it was so nasty. i was holding a bag of lumpy liquid poo. i tripled bagged that shit and threw it in the trash, feeling sorry for the garbage man. my toilet eventually unclogged later that night after another round of plunging, but the gist of the story is: i shat in a bag. i am disgusting. i’m sorry.