I had to poop, so I did my usual sit-at-my-desk-and-hold-in-my-poop-until-the-last-second move. When I was ready to poo, I walked to the bathroom. I was wearing my jingle shoes again, but it didn’t matter because I was going to sit, shit, and return to my desk in less than three minutes. My shoes announced my arrival into the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw that my coworker was already in a stall. As my feet clattered to the toilet, I realized she was taking a dump. And thanks to my noisy shoes, I knew she knew it was me in the bathroom knowing it was her taking a dump. It became super awkward at that moment. I took my time placing the seat protector on the toilet, hoping she would finish her business by the time I was ready to sit. I made sure my movements were extra noisy so I wouldn’t hear her plops. She was still sitting silently when I was done, so I unrolled several strips of toilet paper and slowly placed those on top of the seat protector. She was still sitting there in silence. I wonder if she was holding in her dookie so I’d pee and get out of there quickly. I sat down and peed. Even though I had a turtle head, I could not release it because of the intense awkwardness of being two feet away from my bare-assed coworker pushing out brown nuggets from her butthole, separated only by a tin metal wall. I wiped quickly and jingled out of there as fast as I could. It was the right move because she didn’t return to her desk for another ten minutes. And now that my turtle head has retracted, I don’t have to poo anymore. This is going to turn into some ass-ripping constipation.
Taking a big dump is always a huge satisfaction. Taking a big dump and seeing recognizable traces of food you recently ate embedded in the dump is an even bigger satisfaction and exhilarating accomplishment. Last week I ate an excessive amount of squash. Later in the day I saw pieces of it sticking out of my logs. Such a cool feeling. Yesterday I ate corn just so I could see it in my poop. This morning after my dump, I looked to see some yellow sailors on a brown boat floating in the toilet water. Mega awesome feeling. Today I am eating spinach. It usually comes out wrapped around the dookie like seaweed wrapped around sushi. Can’t wait to see it. I might even take a picture.
I am a lightning fast pooper (when I’m not constipated). As soon as I walk into the office bathroom, I sit and shit in about 60 seconds. This is because I hold in my poo until the last second before my anus hole can no longer hold in my dookies. It’s a little painful to do it this way, but the faster I can get out of the bathroom, the better. You can usually tell if I’m holding in my poop. I squirm a little in my seat, and I have a bitter beer face. Sometimes if I hold it in too long, my face contorts, and it looks like someone just punched me. That’s when I haul ass to the bathroom. I did this today. Unfortunately, my coworker decided to ask me about a project as I was getting up from my chair. My facial expression was still gnarled when he came over. I think it might have frightened him so I faked a monster sneeze, held my nose, and asked to excuse myself. I don’t think he suspected anything since I came back from the bathroom within a minute. Fast pooping FTW!
I was out eating with friends. After lunch we decided to go shopping. I normally do not use public bathrooms unless I really have to go (because of my abnormal fear of public bathrooms), but I followed my gal pals into the potty dungeon because I wasn’t going home anytime soon, and I’d probably have to pee eventually. I did not have the urge to pee, so I leisurely walked into the stall and hung my purse. I inspected the toilet and the floor.. not too dirty. I looked at the toilet paper dispenser.. empty. There was a roll still in its paper packaging sitting in the corner of the stall on top of a counter. I began tearing the wrapper off when suddenly I had to pee like a racehorse. Standing in the stall somehow made my bladder feel like it was overflowing with urine and it was about to burst any second. I couldn’t get the wrapper completely off. I was using my nails and tearing into it, throwing the packaging on the floor. When I got it all off, I unsuccessfully tried to unroll the toilet paper (I like to line the paper against the inside front of the toilet so it softens the pee-to-toilet contact and minimizes the urine splashies against the bottom of my thighs as I hover over the seat .. yes I know, I’m crazy). Anyway, since it was a fresh roll of toilet paper, the first sheet was still glued to the roll. I began tearing that off, but it only resulted in tiny rips of toilet paper between my fingers. By then I was about to pee in my pants. I was shaking my ass and doing the peepee dance until I was finally able to free a strip of toilet paper. As I peed (in the toilet, not in my pants) I think my eyes rolled back into my head. Sweet relief. That felt good.
