Have you ever farted so loudly in your sleep that you woke yourself up? I am a very light sleeper, so that’s nothing new to me. But a few years ago when I slept over at a friend’s place, I made the biggest, raunchiest, wettest wet bean fart ever. It was so long and loud that I woke up and still had seconds of fart to spare. I thought maybe I was the only one who heard it, but it also woke my friend up and prompted a “that’s f@$king disgusting.” It was sort of awesome.
Beans, Beans, They're Good For Your Heart. The More You Eat, The More You Fart
Sorry for the silence lately. I was on holiday, but I’m back and I’ve learned a new thing about myself. I thought I was afraid to fly because of my fear of heights and plane crashes. But after my last flight, I think I am more afraid of who I’ll sit next to, in front of, or behind. My neighbor was alright.. she had a bit of body odor, but it wasn’t bad when her arms were at her side. However, the guy sitting behind me farted a few times. He must have eaten cabbage soup or rotten eggs for dinner because that’s what it smelled like. How do you not smell your own fart on a plane? I can understand when you can’t smell your own breath, but you can always smell your own fart! On the subject of breath, he also had really bad breath. He was heavy on the exhaling, so it was three hours of inhaling his rancid exhale (in addition to his sulfuric farts). It was a nauseating flight experience, but on the bright side, the plane didn’t crash!
I guess I should be thankful I didn't have to sit next to this
I think I have an unhealthy fear of dirty public bathrooms. I often have reoccurring dreams where I’m not at home and need to pee very badly, so I find a public restroom. They all look about the same in my dreams.. they are dark, dingy, and dirty. In the dozens of bathroom dreams I’ve had, most of them have some sort of deep brown or charcoal tiles, and every stall has a toilet covered in pee. In real life, if a toilet has someone’s urine on it, I choose a different stall or I wipe it and use a seat cover (double seat covers for double protection). In my dreams, every stall has urine on it so picking another one is no use. Also in my dreams, I don’t clean the seats. I think I put toilet paper over the pee on the seat (which creates soaked toilet paper) and then proceed to hover over the toilet, or sometimes I just hover without any sort of buffer between my butt and the pee. But hovering in my dreams always leads to the inevitable.. I end up falling bare-assed on the wet seat, and I can not seem to pick myself off the seat now matter how hard I try (and sometimes the bottom of my shirt or my pants end make contact with the urine). Yuck, just thinking about it is grossing me out. Yeah, this probably means I am really afraid of public restrooms. Now that I think about it, I do drink as little amount of liquids as possible when I’m out so I don’t have to pee. Life would be so much easier if I could pee standing.
Congratulations are in order. I had twins today. Two identical baby boys (or girls, I couldn’t really tell). They looked to be about the same size with similar lumpinesses. The first one came out this morning at 10:35am, weighing 6.7 ounces and measuring 7 glorious inches. Baby number two came out around 2:15pm, weighing 6.1 ounces and measuring just under 7 inches. No, I did not fish out my turds and measure them, I just eye-balled them. As with any mother, I fell in love when I first laid my eyes on my precious babies, but then I said my goodbyes and flushed them down to Never Neverland. They’ll be happier there anyway (’cause growing old and stinky sucks). Mom knows best.
My dog was right. My poops smell horrendous. I just finished taking a dump, so I sneaked a peek at my little gems before wiping and covering my masterpiece with toilet paper. As soon as I looked down, a whiff of poo stench hit my nose hard. It was completely unexpected. I mean, I knew it would smell like dookie, but I was not prepared for that extra punch my turds had in store for me. I wiped quickly, and my dog and I ran away from the toilet as fast as possible.
I was in the office bathroom stall when someone came in to pee. I didn’t have to peek to see who it was after I heard her pee. It was long (longer than my watermelon pees), frothy, and it hit the toilet bowl hard and angry. It was my racehorse coworker. She in no way physically resembles a horse, but she sure pees like one! She is skilled in powerful pissing.
I ate an entire watermelon over the course of four days. Word of advice, don’t eat an entire watermelon over the course of four days. I have never been so gassy. I tried holding in as much fart as I could while at work those days, fearful that if I let any of it out it might smell or make a sound. I ran to the bathroom a few times to release. I let out enough wind in one fart that it could have inflated a small balloon. There was so much gas inside my stomach it looked like it was in its second trimester, and the watermelon wizz in my bladder added to that aesthetic. I had no idea my body would hold so much fluid; it felt like my pee streams were going for at least 30 seconds. However, it was nice that my urine was clear and smelled less uriney. It didn’t smell like watermelon, but it didn’t have that lingering pee smell either. I’ve been off the watermelon for a couple days now. The yellowness is coming back in my tinkles, but at least the bloaty gas is gone.
I love being on the rag. No, seriously, I do. I can always tell when I’m about to start my monthly ritual of non-stop blood squirting when my body releases ginormous amounts of poop. It usually means two to three trips to the bathroom a day unloading massive quantities of squishy poo. It doesn’t come out in log form; my period poos are more like mush or mud landslides. I feel like I have full body catharsis during Aunt Ruby’s visit. Not only am I cleansing my uterus of its bloody mess, my intestines are also experiencing a mass exodus of toxins. I love being a girl.
Apologies if this image offends you, but it's sort of hilarious
And no, today’s poo has nothing to do with yesterday’s squirts! I have two very different types of soft poo with it comes to poo from food bacteria vs. poo from monthly periods. I am a woman of many poos. Diversity is awesome.
I hope everyone had a Happy Fourth! I went to a friend’s BBQ. I’m not sure if he knew how to use his new grill because most of the burgers came out pretty rare. I already ate half of mine when I realized the patty was still bleeding, so I figured if I was going to get E.Coli, I probably already ingested it, and I ate the rest of the burger. No feeling of sickness or intense abdominal pains yet, but I did diarrhea twice today. I pretty much shat the equivalent of what I ate yesterday, and it feels like my butt may be squirting out more soft serve in a little while. Thank goodness I’m at home and not at work today.
I have really smelly poops. I personally think they smell as normal as any other poop, but according to my dog, the smell is unbearable. My dog loves to sniff his own poo, sniff other dogs’ poo, hell.. he even likes to lick dog poo. But when he comes around while I’m on the toilet pinching a loaf, he does a quick sniff of the open area between the seat and the bowl, snoots, blows snot out of his nose (like he’s trying to blow the unbearable smell of my poo out of his nostrils), and runs away. It’s a little insulting.
