January 24th, 2012 . Posted in farts | No Comments »
Tags: coworker, fart, office, squeak, toot, wet bean
I’m usually the last one to leave the office at work, so when I’m alone in my cube I like to push out some farts… the louder the better. I guess I got used to that comfort because about five minutes ago, I had some gas so I forced it out. It was loud. And I was not alone. I had forgotten it’s only 1pm and not 6pm. And it was one of those toots that could not be mistaken for a chair creaking or shoe squeaking. It was a full on major wet bean fart. Thankfully my cubemate is not here at the moment, but my other coworkers scattered around the office are. I haven’t heard any verbal ‘OMG SICK!!’ comments yet, but I know they’re thinking it. I guess I’m fart girl.
Fart Girl
January 23rd, 2012 . Posted in liquidy | No Comments »
Tags: backsplash, bladder, flush, nightmare, pee, public bathroom, public restroom, splash, toilet, toilet paper, toilet seat, urine
Seems like my nightmares of late have come true. I had to pee so badly yesterday. I couldn’t hold it any longer, so I was forced to use the public restroom… at WALMART of all places. The bathroom was just how I pictured it: dirty, smelly, toilet paper all over the tile floor, and random damp spots on the floor. All the stalls were taken except the handicap stall. I did not want to use it because the toilet is set a littler higher than usual making it more difficult to hover, but I had no choice.. my pee was about to rupture my bladder. And of course the seat was doused in urine. I lightly wiped it off as swiftly and quickly as I could because I didn’t want it to soak through the toilet paper and onto my delicate fingers. I then placed a toilet seat protector and multiple layers of toilet paper over that. Even with all those sheets separating me from the toilet seat, I still hovered to urinate. All was going well– I held my balance and peed. As I started to wipe, the automatic toilet flusher decided to turn on. Have you ever seen a documentary on how many germs whoosh up from the toilet bowl as it flushes? Billions and billlllions of germy particles fly up several feet, and now all those gazillion germs were on my butt.. not to mention a few diluted urine splashes from the industrial strength flush shot up from the bowl and landed on my bare ass. I WANTED TO CRY. If the drops landed on my butt, they must have also landed on the backside of my pants as well. Hell, maybe they even shot up and got on the bottom part of the back of my shirt. I took a scolding hot shower when I got home, and I plan on incinerating my clothes. Reminiscing about this incident makes me want to cry right now.
Watch for falling prices.. and splashy toilet water
January 12th, 2012 . Posted in liquidy | No Comments »
Tags: dirty, nightmare, pee, public bathroom, public restroom, toilet, toilet paper, toilet seat, urine
I had my reoccurring nightmare again last night thanks to my unhealthy fear of public restrooms. I had to pee, so I found myself in a dark and dirty public bathroom. Every stall I checked had either urine on the floor or on the toilet seat. When I finally found a somewhat decent stall, upon closer inspection the floor had drops of urine and so did the toilet seat. No amount of toilet paper or paper seat protectors could soak up the piss. And to make my nightmare worse, I looked down and I WAS NOT WEARING ANY SHOES!!!! My feet were slightly protected because I was in socks, but that only meant my feet were soaking up the puddles of urine on the dirty bathroom tile floor. I think I started crying in my dream. I woke up in a panic and immediately took off my socks.
The socks in my dream looked like these. I do not own any socks like these in real life.
January 11th, 2012 . Posted in liquidy, poops | No Comments »
Tags: ass, poop, toilet seat, urine, wet
I pooped another nice one this morning, but my experience did not start out so nice. I went to my usual stall and placed a seat protector on the toilet. I did not notice there was a drop of urine on the seat until the protector soaked through it and formed a wet spot. Being the environmentally conscious and green person I am, I did not want to waste an unused seat protector so instead of trashing it and replacing it with a new one, I stacked six layers of toilet paper (very green of me!) on top of that wet spot to protect my thigh from the lethal drop of pee. However, that was not enough buffer because I still felt the dampness on my skin. When in doubt, use a new seat protector. It’ll save your ass!
Save your ass!
January 4th, 2012 . Posted in farts, liquidy | No Comments »
Tags: alien baby, bubbly, diarrhea, fart, gurgling, toot, yogurt
It was a great start to the new year at the office yesterday. I had a yogurt for breakfast followed by a couple multi-vitamins. I’m not sure which of the two did it, but I had the worst diarrhea gurgling all morning after breakfast. It was LOUD. So loud that people sitting two cubes down could hear it. The sound was horrifying.. it was like I had an alien inside me taking a watery shit. I tried to poop in the office bathroom, but all that escaped from my butt were bubbly machine gun farts. I had a meeting that morning, too. I don’t think the client nor I could concentrate with all those farty noises shooting off in my abdomen every three seconds. I don’t want to be known as Fart Girl.
Fart Girl
January 2nd, 2012 . Posted in poops | No Comments »
Tags: clog, edamame, log, pinch, poop, solid, toilet, turd
I was at my friend’s place today and we were talking about poop sizes and shapes. One of the girls was saying she had to pinch her turds as they came out because if they were too long, they’d clog the toilet. I prefer when my poops come out in one long girthy piece because it’s more satisfying to see it as a massive solid log. But the best was when another one of the girls was saying how she liked to lightly pinch hers as it came out so it looked like edamame in the toilet. I will never think of edamame the same again.
Turd or tasty treat?
December 31st, 2011 . Posted in farts, liquidy, poops | No Comments »
Tags: diarrhea, fart, poop
Happy New Year!! If I drink champagne tonight, I will be farting through the night and into the new year. Then I will wake up with the urge to diarrhea. Happy 2012, everyone!
My butt will be doing this on the morning of Jan 1, 2012
December 29th, 2011 . Posted in farts, poops | No Comments »
Tags: butthole, farts, gas, log, poop, toot, turd
I gorged myself on creamy, rich foods today. I had a heavy cream of mushroom sauced entrée for lunch, and I had a heavy creamed alfredo pasta dish for dinner. Both meals were followed by gobs of runny, melty, thick chocolatey chocolate. By the end of the day, my stomach was distended and I looked about five months pregnant. So without any hesitation, I headed straight for the gym to burn off a few of the calories. Unfortunately, that’s when my body decided to release large volumes of gas. I could not stop farting. Usually I’m pretty good at keeping them in and making internal farts. It’s a little uncomfortable, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. But today I could not hold any of the farts in. There was just too much of it trying to escape, and pinching my butthole closed was too painful on my abdomen. Worst part of it was it was super stinky. Smelled like something died inside me and the rot was seeping out my butt. I left the gym early and spent the next 20 minutes on the toilet. Every bowel movement I had felt like I was going to push out a huge turd, but instead it was just a huge smelly fart. It has now been four hours since dinner, and wind is still gusting out my butt. On the bright side, my stomach shrinks a tiny bit with each fart. Now I only look three months pregnant.
I gotta fart some more
