Texts From Last Night

This one was compiled of multiple long texts. Enjoy:

OMG. I just eggshell waddled the longest nine blocks of my life trying not to poop my pants. Luckily I made it home without any friendly fire! Good thing my friends decided to take a taxi home from the bar and not go back to my place with me. Whew! Before I left, my friend was like, “Oh, you don’t have to wait with us for the taxi.” Not a second later I was waddling towards my apartment. Holy crap my apartment looked sooo far away!! I had to pause a few times to fully focus. I was like, I’ve only walked two blocks?? The trick is to stay calm on that final stretch. My poop was like a thick chili vs. lentil soup concoction. It had some volume to it, so that’s why I think I was able to stop butt traffic. Must have been the milk I had with my coffee at Starbucks. You should never trust milk that’s been sitting out.

Anyway, if my friends only knew I almost had a dirty diaper. Oh, the embarrassment. Well, safe at home now. Pooped. Showered. Brushed my teeth. Off to bed. Goodnight. And thanks for listening.

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