Poop Envy

My fiance takes multiple dumps a day, and it’s a little frustrating to me. Some days I have zero poops, and other days I’ll get super lucky and have two or three poops. The days I am fortunate enough to have two poopies, I excitedly tell my fiance the great news, and his usual response is something like, “Oh, I took five dumps today.” WTF. We eat the same thing. How is that possible? Why is his digestive tract so far more superior than mine? What really irks me is if I don’t poop, my stomach bloats up and it looks like a keg party. He doesn’t have that problem since his poop shoots straight out his bunghole. After dinner we’ll be sitting on the couch watching TV with our hands in our pants like Al Bundy. My hand is resting on the mound of food inside my belly, while his hand is resting on his flat stomach because he just took a dump five minutes ago. So not fair. I’m totally jealous.


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