Wedding Diet

My wedding is fast approaching, so I’ve been eating healthy the last week and restricted my diet to chicken breast and broccoli. I’ve also increased my water intake and completely cut out sugar and starches. I thought my upped fiber and fluid consumption would produce the most amazing poops, but I didn’t have any. As in I didn’t poop for an entire week. On my regular diet, this would have caused severe pain and bloating, but on my clean diet there was no cramping, no extended belly, no feeling of bottom-heaviness, and zero urge to poop. After six days of this, I finally had a bowel movement. I was really scared that almost a week’s worth of packed poop was going to tear apart my bunghole as I forced it out. I sat on the toilet and was ready to excrete a rock hard boulder. It was the opposite. A skinny log slid out my butt and gracefully landed in the toilet. It was a painless yet disappointingly small turd. But no torn bunghole, so it was acceptable. As a reward for six days of eating healthy, I had french toast on the seventh day, and it was good. So good that I had another bowel movement. Another skinny log slid out my butt, but this time it was 18 inches long. Again, no torn bunghole, and it was very good. I might stick to this diet even after the wedding.

Makes soft, painless turds
Makes soft, painless turds

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