I’ve been constipated for a couple days now, but I had a bowel movement this morning. Today is my day off so I took the opportunity to sit on the toilet for however long necessary until something fell out of my ass. Ten minutes in I farted a few times. Twenty minutes in my thighs started to feel numb. Thirty minutes in I felt shooting pains in my legs. At around the 35 minute mark I was still poo-less, but I had to stretch and get the blood circulation flowing back in my legs. Defeated, I put my pants on and got ready to go shopping. It’s summer in NYC, and it’s hot. I changed out of my pants and into some short shorts. Took a walk along Broadway, went into a shop, found a cute top to try on, went into the dressing room, checked out my vain self at all angles in the mirror, and to my horror I saw dark red seat toilet marks on the back of my thighs. They were deeply embedded and didn’t look like they’d fade away any time soon. I attempted to rub them off, but that only made my thighs a brighter shade of red. I threw myself pity party in the dressing room and stayed in there a little longer than I should have just to try on one shirt. Damn you, hoochie mama hot pants!