I’ve come to the sad realization that I am severely lactose intolerant. I’ve always been able to stomach dairy products, some more easily than others, but it was never a huge concern whether I’d have a mild stomach ache or diarrhea as a result. I know eating ice cream makes me bloated and my ass produces noxious gases as punishment for having a small scoop, but lately any dairy that goes into my body exits as violent brown sludge. The poo explosion doesn’t bother me too much. Truthfully, I enjoy an occasional episode of the Hershey squirts; its rather cathartic. It’s the abdominal pains that precede the brown exodus I don’t care to experience. I can’t be too far away from a toilet if I want to enjoy a slice (or whole) pizza, indulge in an ice cream cone, or gulp down a milkshake. Within an hour of dairy consumption, my stomach convulses as an alien head tries to rip through my abdominal. The pain will only last 10 minutes, but it is 10 minutes of hell. Then the bowels start moving and I have five seconds to sprint towards the toilet with my bunghole tightly clenched to prevent premature eruption. But as soon as my thighs touchdown on the toilet, it’s a heavenly sound of bowels releasing. There is something glorious about hearing your own fluids and gases escaping your body.