Constipation is the New Poop

My stomach started churning a few nights ago shortly before bedtime. It felt like I had the runs, but my poops are sometimes unpredictable. There are times when I release an explosive beast immediately after my cheeks touch the toilet, and other times it takes a few minutes of deep concentration and pushing to produce flaming liquids or a solid turd. I figured I’d be on the toilet for at least five minutes, so I grabbed my iPad and started an episode of Orange is the New Black. Perhaps that was a bad idea. Instead of total poo concentration, I was feeling sorry for Gloria’s tragic backstory and her getting played by Vee. Before I knew it, the episode was over. I was on the toilet for over 40 minutes. My legs and feet were numb, my back was sore from slouching, and I didn’t poop at all. I guess I’m not very good at multitasking.

There was no smiling for me on the toilet that night.

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