The Art of Push

Everyone poops. You get a bowel movement, you sit and the poop usually slides, shoots, or sputters out of your butthole without incident. But when you are constipated, the poop doesn’t come out so easily. That’s where the art of pushing comes in. I call it an art because you can’t haphazardly push any second and expect the turd to just fall out. You have to wait for the right moment. If you push too soon, you’ll only be left disappointed when nothing comes out and the dookie is lodged even harder inside your bunghole. It helps to contract your abs to get the poo moving inside. You can get some exercise in by doing side crunches while sitting on the toilet. When you feel the turd getting closer to the exit hole, push. If it doesn’t come out on the first try, relax. Sometimes leaning on one side helps with loosening the position of the poop lodged inside your fartbox. If it’s still not coming out: pinch, release, and repeat. Doing this can be very uncomfortable, but it yodels the turd up and down, getting it closer to the edge of your butthole. When the pinching becomes more labored, it’s go time. PUSH. Push as hard as you can without giving yourself anal fissures. Oh yeah, there it goes. Success. There’s nothing more rewarding than feeling that rock hard constipated boulder slide out of your newly torn-up bunghole. You’ll feel like you lost three pounds in three seconds. Now, good luck flushing the toilet without clogging it.

If pushing were only this easy

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