The Art of Wipe

How you wipe your butt is very important when hygiene is concerned. It is also very important when saving the planet from tree extinction. Best wiping practices clean your fartbox with minimal toilet paper use. This is true even with wet, sputtering diarrhea dumps.

First of all, don’t crumple the toilet paper. I usually tear off three sheets and fold them twice. When you’re about to wipe, turn the paper at an angle and swipe your bunghole from the outside in. If you are female, it is important that you DO NOT wipe towards your va’jay jay. You DO NOT want poo particles all up in your hoo-ha. Wipe with small strokes so that you’re not smearing the poo all over your crack. After each wipe, fold the toilet paper and wipe again with a clean side. The first set of TP can be refolded twice before being discarded (total of three wipes). If the edge of your bunghole is not clean from the first three wipes, you are one dirty MF. Repeat this step with the angled swipes so you’re not smearing the poo all over yourself.

Step two, with your folded TP and finger (usually the middle finger) press the TP into your bunghole so that all that the leftovers from the turd sliding out your anus is cleaned out. Repeat this as many times as you need until there is no trace of poo left on the TP. Do not stop at just-a-little-bit-of-poo-left-on-the-TP. That is disgusting. Wipe until there is zero poo on the TP, you filthy pig.

This saves you from using up your toilet paper too quickly, and it also keeps your toilet from clogging with TP overuse. My boyfriend still uses the crumple method, and he goes through more toilet paper than I do in a month. Tree murderer.

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