2014 has been an uneventful year as far as poops go, but I guess it has only been 25 days. I haven’t had any significant bowel movements or life-changing poops worth mentioning, hence the my non-activity on this site. But since the month is ending soon, I didn’t want to leave my loyal poo lovers in the dark about my intestinal adventures, no matter how dull they have been. The only recent one worth mentioning happened last weekend at the in-laws’. I woke up constipated on a Saturday morning. I felt like there was a melon at the base of my butthole. It wanted to come out, but there was no way I could push that through my grape-sized bunghole and not be late for brunch. So I held it in, and we arrived at the house. I started to have a sharp pain in my butt. It wasn’t an intestinal upset stomach kind of pain. It was a I-have-a-melon-inside-my-butt-and-it’s-trying-to-rip-my-ass-open kind of pain. My butthole was hurtin’. I excused myself to their bathroom and sat in silence on the toilet for a while. It hurt too much to push at first, but my thighs were falling asleep so I had to be proactive and get the turds out of me quickly. While breakfast scones were being passed at the table, it felt like I was passing stones (or boulders) through my ass. The in-laws’ toilet has a very low water level, so there was no fear of my cheeks getting splashed while my rock-hard torpedoes fell into the bowl. Instead they thumped loudly when they hit the surface and left skid marks all over the white porcelain. I flushed the toilet hoping the water would wash the poopoo kisses away, but that didn’t work. I had to grab a wad of toilet paper, reach my hand into the toilet, and wipe off the brown stains. It was pretty freaking disgusting. I washed my hands very thoroughly before seating myself at the breakfast table. Imagine if I were one of those people who didn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. My poo particles would have been all over the serving utensils.
Moral of the story: wash your hands after you use the bathroom. Thank you.