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Bad judgments were made today and last night. Mistake #1: I ate expired Easy Mac last night for dinner. This morning I had a horrendously painful dump. I knew I didn’t get all of it out and that I’d have more explosive butt outbursts later on in the day. Around noon, my intestines started to gurgle. Within 30 seconds, it went from mild intestinal bubbling to excruciating intestinal stabbing. I started walking to the bathroom. Mistake #2: I wore noisy shoes today. They jingled with each step I took. I basically announced to the entire office that I was taking a trip to the bathroom. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal because I pee and poo with lightning speed, but today was a different story. Diarrhea cannot be rushed, especially when it feels like an alien is about to rip through your abdomen with every bowel movement. It was loud and splashy. In the middle of my dump, someone walked in to pee. Mistake #3: I held my butt so that there wasn’t a ploppy orchestra playing as she urinated. Unfortunately for me, she peed like she had a horse bladder. Her pee went on for what felt like an hour. My ass was in so much agony, I couldn’t keep my poo in for much longer. I held my breath and I held my butt with all my strength until she finished. I immediately released when she left the bathroom. Holy shit that was torturous and orgasmic at the same time. My face was beet red by the time I was done. I stepped out of the bathroom; my shoes announced to everyone that I was finished with my dump, and everyone watched my tomato face as I did the walk of toilet shame back to my desk.

Doan look at me!

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