I had to poop, so I did my usual sit-at-my-desk-and-hold-in-my-poop-until-the-last-second move. When I was ready to poo, I walked to the bathroom. I was wearing my jingle shoes again, but it didn’t matter because I was going to sit, shit, and return to my desk in less than three minutes. My shoes announced my arrival into the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw that my coworker was already in a stall. As my feet clattered to the toilet, I realized she was taking a dump. And thanks to my noisy shoes, I knew she knew it was me in the bathroom knowing it was her taking a dump. It became super awkward at that moment. I took my time placing the seat protector on the toilet, hoping she would finish her business by the time I was ready to sit. I made sure my movements were extra noisy so I wouldn’t hear her plops. She was still sitting silently when I was done, so I unrolled several strips of toilet paper and slowly placed those on top of the seat protector. She was still sitting there in silence. I wonder if she was holding in her dookie so I’d pee and get out of there quickly. I sat down and peed. Even though I had a turtle head, I could not release it because of the intense awkwardness of being two feet away from my bare-assed coworker pushing out brown nuggets from her butthole, separated only by a tin metal wall. I wiped quickly and jingled out of there as fast as I could. It was the right move because she didn’t return to her desk for another ten minutes. And now that my turtle head has retracted, I don’t have to poo anymore. This is going to turn into some ass-ripping constipation.